Addiction vs. Narcissism: How to Tell If Your Partner is Struggling with One—or Both
If your partner constantly lies, manipulates, or prioritizes their own needs over yours, you may wonder—are they struggling with an addiction, or are they a narcissist? While addiction and narcissistic personality traits can look similar on the surface, they stem from different root causes and require different approaches for healing.
Understanding the overlap between addiction and narcissism can help you determine what’s really going on in your relationship and whether change is possible.
The Overlapping Behaviors of Addiction and Narcissism
Both addiction and narcissism can lead to:
Lying and deceit – Hiding behaviors, making excuses, or manipulating the truth to avoid consequences.
Emotional unavailability – Struggling to show empathy, prioritize the relationship, or meet emotional needs.
Blame shifting – Deflecting responsibility by blaming you, their past, or external circumstances.
Impulsivity and recklessness – Engaging in risky behaviors without considering the impact on others.
Broken promises – Saying they’ll change but continuing the same destructive patterns.
At times, it may seem like your partner is choosing their addiction or their selfish behavior over you, leaving you feeling confused, hurt, and questioning their true nature.
Key Differences Between Addiction and Narcissism
While addiction and narcissistic personality traits can look similar, they come from different root causes:
Core Issue: Addiction is driven by a compulsive need for a substance or behavior to cope with pain, stress, or trauma. Narcissism, on the other hand, stems from deep entitlement, a need for control, and a lack of empathy.
Lying & Manipulation: Addicts often lie to cover up their substance use out of shame or fear of consequences. Narcissists, however, lie to maintain power, boost their image, and avoid accountability without guilt.
Empathy: Someone struggling with addiction may still feel guilt or shame for hurting others, even if they struggle to stop. A narcissist, however, lacks genuine remorse and often does not care how their actions impact others.
Ability to Change: Addiction can be treated with professional help, support, and commitment to recovery. True narcissistic personality disorder is rarely treated successfully because narcissists do not believe they have a problem.
Main Priority: An addict's life revolves around their addiction—they will prioritize obtaining and using their substance above everything else. A narcissist, however, prioritizes themselves, their desires, control, and validation.
Relationships: Addicts may still deeply love their partner but struggle to put the relationship first due to their addiction. Narcissists see their partner as an extension of themselves rather than an equal, using them for validation or control rather than true emotional connection.
Could It Be Both? The Narcissistic Addict
In some cases, addiction and narcissism co-exist. This happens when a narcissist also struggles with substance abuse or when an addict develops narcissistic traits due to prolonged substance use.
For example, long-term drug or alcohol use can alter brain chemistry, making someone more self-centered, emotionally reactive, and manipulative—traits that resemble narcissism. However, once they achieve sobriety, these traits may fade.
On the other hand, a narcissist who develops an addiction may use their substance abuse as another tool for control, excuses, or manipulation, making recovery even more difficult.
How to Tell Which One Your Partner Is Struggling With
If you're unsure whether your partner is an addict, a narcissist, or both, ask yourself:
Do they ever show genuine remorse for hurting you?
Addicts may struggle with behavior but often feel guilt and apologize.
Narcissists rarely take responsibility and may gaslight you instead.
Can they acknowledge their problem and seek help?
Addicts may eventually reach a point of recognizing their need for treatment.
Narcissists rarely believe they have a problem and are resistant to therapy.
Do they show signs of empathy in other areas of life?
Addicts might still be caring parents, good friends, or emotionally available at times.
Narcissists struggle to form deep, meaningful connections with anyone.
Is their behavior consistent or tied to substance use?
If they act differently when sober, addiction is likely the main issue.
If they are manipulative and self-serving all the time, narcissism is more likely.
What happens when you set boundaries?
Addicts may react with frustration but ultimately respect your limits if they want to recover.
Narcissists tend to lash out, guilt-trip, or punish you for asserting yourself.
What Should You Do Next?
If Your Partner is Struggling with Addiction:
Encourage them to seek professional help (rehab, therapy, or support groups like AA).
Set clear boundaries to protect yourself from destructive behaviors.
Understand that recovery is a long process and that relapse is possible.
Consider couples therapy if they are committed to sobriety and change.
If Your Partner is a Narcissist:
Recognize that narcissists rarely change, especially without deep self-awareness.
Protect yourself emotionally and set firm boundaries.
Seek therapy for yourself to heal from manipulation and emotional damage.
Decide if staying in the relationship is truly in your best interest.
If They Are Both:
Understand that addiction makes narcissistic traits worse, and recovery may not remove them.
Prioritize your own well-being—don’t let their behavior control your life.
Seek support from a therapist or a support group for partners of addicts or narcissists.
Consider whether the relationship is sustainable for your emotional health.
Final Thoughts
It’s heartbreaking to love someone who continuously hurts you, whether due to addiction, narcissism, or both. The most important thing is to protect yourself, set boundaries, and recognize that their behavior is not your fault.
If they are an addict, recovery is possible—but only if they want it. If they are a narcissist, true change is unlikely. And if they are both, you may have to make the difficult decision to put your own well-being first.
No matter what, you deserve love, respect, and emotional safety.
